Mercedes-AMG G63

I adore the G63. I love that it has the aerodynamics of a shed. I love that it’s just as comfortable scaling mountains as it is navigating the daily grind. And I love that it has a thundering twin-turbocharged V8 that sounds like Zeus gargling razor blades. However, there is no getting away from the fact that Mercedes’ premier Toorak tractor struggles with a slight *ahem* image problem.

You are either a drug lord or a suspiciously wealthy soccer mum.

Ferrari Purosangue

Ferrari’s “not an SUV” is a sacrilegious travesty. You might as well have spat on Enzo Ferrari’s grave.

You are a Wall Street trader with little concern for heritage. You disgust me.

Audi RS Q8

I spent days thinking about something remotely interesting to say about Audi’s strangely attractive coupe/SUV Frankenstein creation but, alas, nothing came to me. There is a good reason for this: it is irredeemably boring. In fact, the FDA recently declared that the RS Q8 is “an expensive cure for insomnia”. I may have made that up.

You are an accountant.

Lamborghini Urus S

Teenagers with low-hanging trousers will be impressed with your purchase but the rest of us know you are driving an Audi RS Q8 in a fancy frock.

You are a badge snob.


Subtle. Discreet. Sensible. The BMW XM is none of those things.

The first standalone model produced by BMW’s legendary performance division in over forty years is a vulgar lard bucket with wheels. Bought one? For the love of all that is good and sacred, get your eyes checked. Immediately.

You are a SoCal real estate agent.

Rolls Royce Cullinan

You have enough money to make my life a living hell. If I wasn’t such a snowflake, then I’d probably make a quip about you having more money than taste. But I am so I won't.

You are a Middle Eastern dictator.

Aston Martin DBX 707

Aston insists the DBX 707 is the “ultimate ultra-luxury Super-SUV” but it’s not. It lacks the off-road ability of a Range Rover. Its interior isn’t a match for a Bentley. And it looks like it was kept in the microwave for a little too long.

It is fast, though. Aston insists the DBX 707—with, you guessed it, 707PS— is the “most powerful luxury SUV in the world.” And it is. Aside from the even more powerful 725PS Ferrari Purosangue, that is. Awkward…

You are a James Bond romantic who had to sell his DBS when the kids came along.

Mercedes-Maybach GLS

They say: “The ultimate in luxury.”

I say: The ultimate in tasteless ostentation.

You confuse pretentiousness for luxury and wear Gucci pyjamas to bed. You are a rapper.

Tesla Model X

Stop kidding yourself. The Model X is hardly a luxury SUV. Sure, it’s quick, but it has the build quality of a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy.

You are an influencer or a Musk stan.

Porsche Cayenne GT

Possibly the most pointless car ever made. Who asked for a track-ready SUV? No one, that’s who.

You are a Porsche fanatic who should’ve bought a Cayenne S.

Land Rover Range Rover

You have class. You could not care less about anything as trite as speed and power. You know what actually matters: soothing luxury. And an extended warranty (you’ll need it).

You are either a well-to-do English farmer or a British plutocrat.

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